Building Trust, One Marble at a Time, by Rev. Tovis Page

Mark your Calendars for our next Community Conversation 

on Feb. 9th, following Worship

Trust is the glue that holds democracies together and holds healthy communities and healthy relationships together. During this time of transition in our country and at UUSM, as we search for our next minister, what can we do to build trust and keep our relationships and communities strong?

Social researcher and author Brené Brown says that relational trust is like a jar of marbles. It’s built over time, in small ways, that add up. When we listen to someone, we earn a marble. When we show up when we say we will, we earn a marble. When we apologize after making a mistake, we earn a marble. That’s how we build trust, in our personal and professional relationships, and in religious community as well. The opposite is also true: when we do something that breaks confidence, we lose marbles, lose trust. When we or others do things that cause us to lose marbles, it’s usually possible to earn marbles back, slowly, one at a time, just like we earned them in the first place.  

Brown created a helpful acronym for the components of trust, and it spells BRAVING. She calls it “the anatomy of trust.” It’s a useful tool for thinking about trust–how we make it, and break it. And how we can repair it, one marble at a time. 

Here’s what BRAVING stands for:

B is for BOUNDARIES. Identifying, holding and respecting boundaries is key to building trust. The UUSM community has experienced how things go south when leaders aren’t able to maintain good boundaries. The mistrust that results can have lasting impacts on the congregational system, something we have been working on during this time of transition. As a new minister, I’m learning how hard it can be to hold boundaries in this work, and how absolutely critical boundaries are for sustainable, healthy ministry. Whether it’s in our families or workplaces, our congregation or anywhere else: boundaries build trust.

R is for RELIABILITY. Do what we say we’ll do, consistently. That doesn’t mean we have to be perfect or never let ourselves off the hook if we can’t follow through. It means we have to think carefully before we commit, so we can deliver on what we say we will. It’s related to boundaries, right? Sometimes I overestimate what I’m going to be able to manage and say yes to too many things, and then I have to back out of commitments I’ve made. Which feels awful. So I’m working on being more responsible with my “yeses” so I can be more reliable, more trustworthy. Reliability builds trust. 

A is for ACCOUNTABILITY. Accountability is something we’ve talked a lot about at UUSM over the past year and half, especially with respect to our covenants. Holding ourselves and each other accountable for what we’ve agreed to do and how we’ve agreed to act builds trust. When we own our mistakes, apologize and make amends, which may entail changing our behavior, we repair trust. 

V is for VAULT. Taking confidentiality seriously. We add marbles to our jars by refraining from sharing stories that aren’t ours to share. By avoiding gossip and dealing directly with each other, rather than creating triangles, or talking behind each other’s backs. Brené Brown calls confidentiality the opposite of “counterfeit trust,” that superficial sense of safety and connection that comes from having a common enemy. Trust means real intimacy, not “common enemy intimacy.” We add marbles by honoring confidentiality. 

I is for INTEGRITY. We foster trust when we act with integrity. Brown says that integrity involves prioritizing three things:

1) courage over comfort;

2) what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy;

3) practicing our values, not just proclaiming them.

As we work to fill our marble jars, we can ask ourselves, how often do we choose comfort over courage? When making decisions, we can ask ourselves, are we doing this because it’s right, or because it’s fun or easy? Are we living our values, or just proclaiming them? In a time when integrity is sorely lacking at the highest levels of power, how can we help one another live with greater integrity, so we can model it for our children and each other, building trust. 

N is for NON-JUDGMENT: When I come to you feeling broken, opening up about my fears or challenges, and you judge me, what happens? I lose trust in you. I can’t trust you with my pain, or my truth. We build trust by fostering curiosity and compassion rather than judgment. Non-judgment is critical for repairing trust with ourselves, too. Some of us reserve our harshest judgment for our own selves, which erodes self-trust and robs us of the compassion we deserve as human beings. To fill our trust jars, we can practice being non-judgmental with ourselves and others. 

G is for GENEROSITY. Brown says we build trust by assuming generous things about each other, and then checking it out to see if it’s true. Not assuming the worst of each other. We might call this a generosity of spirit, something we seek to cultivate in spiritual community.  I’d add to this last one: GRATITUDE. Identifying all the things that are good in our lives helps us trust ourselves, others and Life itself. It sounds Polly Anna-ish, but I believe that it’s true: there is always something to be grateful for, even in the worst of circumstances. So there is always a marble somewhere, even when our jars feel empty. When we practice gratitude, we remind ourselves there is goodness in the world! There are things we can trust. And sharing our gratitude with others helps us build relational trust, because it lets others know we see them, we appreciate them. And that, too, builds trust. 

Rev. Terri and I are grateful to the UUSM Transition Team, the UUSM Board and the whole congregation for engaging in the transition work we have been doing for the past year and half. Working together as a community, we have definitely added marbles to our trust jar! 

Please mark your calendars for our next Community Conversation on February 9th following Worship.  We'll consider how communication builds trust and how we can move forward to create more success.