Memorial Wishes

by Betsy Blosser

Have you thought about what kind of memorial service you would like to have? Who should speak? What music should be played? What kind of cookies should be served at the reception? In response to these questions, within this congregation, I have heard everything from, “That’s my children’s job to plan,” to the story of a former congregant who scheduled her memorial service for a day or two before she was expected to die so she could attend and hear what others said about her!

OK, this is a topic that you may not want to face. It’s really hard to think about the eventual death of someone we love, and it may be even more challenging to think about our own death.  Sometimes, that fear is immobilizing.

Others, on the other hand, may respond to the idea of planning one’s memorial service with a shrug and an assertion that, “I have too much on my plate right now to think of that – and furthermore, that’s a long way away.” Those same folks may have the identical response to the idea of writing a will or signing an advance directive. (Ugh! I sure mean to get to that, but I don’t have to do it right now. . . )

No lectures here on procrastination or denial  - or on the more obvious, “Accidents happen . . . ,”  Instead, I’ll offer the notion that a religious community like ours may be the place where we can think about these hard issues and do so with the support of fellow travelers with whom we share important values.

The Pastoral Care Team at UUSM has made it comparatively easy to plan your memorial service. A simple form is available online that allows you to specify essential information like names and contact information for next of kin, as well as questions about potential speakers, music and other details. There are also opportunities to record as much of your life history as you’d like to share, and to express what you’d like your memorial service to include – and what you would NOT like, if there’s anything in particular you would like avoided.

For those of you who have looked at the prior form (available for the last year or two), please note that the form is now simpler and more straightforward. You’re not asked to ponder philosophical issues – though you may, if you wish.  Instead, you’ll find it to be a fact-based opportunity to share some preferences, as well as information, that may be useful in conducting a service for you.

It is often the case that people in their later years find it meaningful to examine their lives in a sort of “life review.” The act of planning a memorial service may stimulate the desire to do such a personal examination. Or, conversely, that sort of life review may lead to the identification of elements that would add meaning to a memorial service. If you want to do a life review, but would value support in that process, please contact Rev. Tovis or a member of the Pastoral Care Team for that support.

It’s been my experience that the memorial services that best reflect the congregant are ones conducted by a minister who has known the church member. That situation is ideal. But here at UUSM, we’re in a period of change. We have two wonderful ministers right now, but they will leave us in June, and Rev. Laura arrives in August. Beyond that, we don’t know what the future holds. The next best situation is to provide information that the minister – whether that person knows you or not – can use to conduct a meaningful service that reflects who you are.

One more observation: this kind of planning ahead can be a real gift to the people we leave behind. Your immediate relatives and your friends will want to respect your wishes with a service, but they may not know what you want unless you specify what that is ahead of time. And keep in mind that they may be immobilized by their own grief, such that planning a service is difficult. Your thinking ahead will help them.

So . . .  please fill out that form and store it confidentially with the UUSM office. And while you’re at it, write – or update – your will and your advance directive. And then go live your life!